Strong Enough To Break
by rlturner79
Summary: Another take on what happened after Sirius let's it slip that Remus is a werewolf. Contains slash. Complete


_I don't feel myself today  
Just a figure in a big monopoly game  
Struggle is the price you pay  
You get just enough just to give it away  
I'm sinking but I'm floating away  
Throw me a line so I can anchor my pain  
The fabric is about to fray  
The fabric is about to fray_

_Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately  
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately  
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately_

_Things keep coming and I keep wondering  
I start feeling the walls close in  
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling  
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break  
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break_

_Been running through my mind today  
Scenarios to add to your hypocrisy  
No one ever takes the blame  
But everyone is searching for a cure to the pain  
Nothing ever seems to change  
Oh, nothing ever seems to change  
We just play like broken records in a deaf man's charade_

_Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately  
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately  
Maybe you could take a look at yourself lately_

_Things keep coming and I keep wondering  
I start feeling the walls close in  
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling  
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break_

The library was appropriately quiet. The occasional loud voice or giggle was always quickly suppressed, lest its perpetrator be reprimanded. But Remus was able to ignore any outbursts and he sat quietly at a table near the window, hidden from view by several bookshelves. It had always been a favorite spot of his, but James couldn't help believing that had things been different he wouldn't be here now. Oh, he came to the library more than any of them and often enough at that, but Remus, being whom he was, had always been able to study in the common room of Gryffindor tower with the rest of them. He was always the best at ignoring distractions and always managed to lose himself in his work while at the same time being completely aware of what was going on around him.

But now, though things were peaceful, a sense of unease persisted, and James knew Remus was studying here in the library rather than in the common room because it was less awkward. And awkward was what best described their friendship ever since last year.

James had been torn in two by Sirius's horrible betrayal and for a while he had believed that he'd never want anything to do with him ever again. He had stood by Remus and had pushed Sirius away. One look at how utterly devastated Remus had been by Sirius's actions was all it had taken. James hadn't spoken to Sirius for months and neither had Peter. They had hovered around Remus constantly, showing their support of him and developing rather mean protective streaks. They had made sure, if at all possible, that he was never near Sirius.

It hadn't been hard. A week after Sirius had sent Snape into the Willow, Remus sought him out and had told him that it would be better if they never spoke again. He told him that he didn't trust him and that he honestly didn't even really like him anymore. Rather than let the rage he was feeling control him, Remus had been perfectly calm and had seemingly wrote Sirius out of his life. It worked perfectly too. Sirius stayed away from all of them after that. He didn't seek out Remus's forgiveness because he believed that he didn't deserve it. And the last thing he had wanted was to cause his friend anymore pain. So he had willingly stayed away from all three of them, spending his time alone and becoming more withdrawn than he had ever been in his life.

So peace had been kept largely through Remus's actions, though James and Peter both believed that things might not have ended completely. And then eventually, towards the end of the year, James had broken the vow he had made to himself and had talked to Sirius. It had been close to three months and James's hatred had slowly dissolved into worry and then further into a sense of regret. He had deserted Sirius, at a time when he had obviously needed him most. But at the same time, he had still been angry with him. So they had fought, not with words, not with hexes or jinxes but physically. James had, to Sirius's complete and utter surprise, asked him to meet him on the other side of the lake that day after classes. He didn't say why, and truthfully James didn't even really know what he hoped to accomplish. But, despite everything, he missed his best friend, and things just couldn't stay the way they were.

James had been full of unresolved anger and weeks of pent-up frustration and upon seeing Sirius, the cause of his pain, he had called him more than a few ugly names, asked him once more to give a good explanation about why he had done what he had. When Sirius hadn't immediately answered him, James's anger reached the boiling point and he snapped. They would have beat one another silly had Peter not found them and forced them apart with his wand. It didn't take long before Sirius collapsed into a fit of sobs and James looked on breathlessly for only a few moments before at long last comforting his best friend.

So the remaining two weeks of school had been rather awkward. Peter had, of course, forgiven Sirius because James had and Peter had never been one to form his own opinions. Consequently the two of them had then divided their time between Remus and Sirius, and the four of them as a group, once inseparable, were almost never even in the same room at the same time anymore. Sirius refused to confront Remus and ask forgiveness because he still lived every day with his guilt and still believed he didn't deserve it. Remus, though well aware that James and Peter had forgiven Sirius, still felt too betrayed and too hurt by his actions to want to speak to him. Though he never once felt the need to make James or Peter choose between them, nor was he angry that they had forgiven him. While they were with Sirius he spent his time mostly alone, and happily so, though a small part of him couldn't help wishing they could somehow be the same way they had been at the beginning of the year. And the wolf had been lonely for months…but Remus refused to allow James or Peter to be with him during full moon. His transformations had once again become lonely, painful and torturous. But he couldn't bear to be with just Prongs and Wormtail, and not Padfoot.

But now, at the start of their last year at Hogwarts, James was determined to make things right again. He couldn't bear the thought of another whole year where the Marauders never laughed together or plotted some ridiculous prank. He didn't want to lose their closeness and he knew, being the somewhat neutral party that he had to be the one to move things along. However, that wasn't the only reason he was here, in the library on a Friday night, rather than out somewhere with Lily or even looking for trouble with Sirius. Sirius was in fact, the reason he was here.

"Moony, you can't honestly tell me that whatever you're studying now can't wait until the last minute on Sunday night," he said, sounding offended that Remus would be studying anything now, after they had just spent the whole week in classes.

Remus looked up from his book, smiling, though he looked somewhat surprised. "Why Prongs, however did you find me? I didn't even realize you knew where the library was," he teased.

"I had to use the map. What _are_ you studying that's so important you had to read it on a Friday night?" he asked, sitting down across from him and snatching the book out of his hands. "_Crime and Punishment_ by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Moony, this isn't even homework, it's Muggle fiction…" he trailed off, looking closely at Remus, whose smile had faded. "So things are really still that bad…" he murmured, setting down the book and sighing. He looked away from his friend, out the window at the setting sun. He knew Remus had still been avoiding Sirius. To everyone's surprise Remus _had_ spoken to Sirius upon their arrival at school. He'd been completely civil though he hadn't said much more than hello and asked him how his summer had been. Sirius had been too shocked to do much more than mumble that it had been fine. But before James had even been able to hope that things might be different, Remus had gone back to avoiding Sirius, and avoiding James and Peter anytime they were _with_ Sirius. And now…despite James's teasing, he knew it was perfectly logical for Remus to be in the library studying on a Friday night. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. But the fact that he wasn't studying…that he was just there to avoid being anywhere near them made things seem even worse.

"What is it you want me to do James?" Remus asked calmly, leaning forward on the table and waiting for his friend to look him in the eyes again. "I came back to school hoping I could start over with him, that I'd be able to somehow forgive him and we could move on. All four of us. But after that first night at the feast, when I asked him how his summer had been…I just, I couldn't do it. I couldn't just start talking to him again as if nothing had ever happened. It…it hurt too much."

"Remus, I didn't come here tonight to ask you to forgive him. I don't have the right to ask you that, and I won't," James said softly, hating the way Remus quickly hid all the pain in his words so that nothing more than a detached sort of ache came across in them. He knew how much his friend was hurting, how much Sirius's betrayal had hurt. He knew even more after this summer. "I know it's not about hating him for what he did…"

"I don't hate him," Remus interjected quickly.

James nodded. "I know. That's what makes it worse, right?" Remus nodded in reply, his eyes flashing briefly with pain before he hid it again. "You can't trust him anymore and you're worried you never will be able to again. But I still believe that you want that," he whispered.

Remus looked away quickly, avoiding his friend's gaze. James had hit the nail right on the head. More than anything, Remus _wanted_ to forgive Sirius. He missed him. The summer had given him a needed time away from him, from everything, and he was no closer to writing Sirius out of his life now than he had been a week after everything had happened.

"It was harder than you ever let on, wasn't it?" James asked.

"What was?"

"Avoiding him, not speaking to him…especially after the two of you had just started to realize that you meant so much more to one another than friends," he said very softly. That was what James had discovered over the summer. Sirius had drunkenly admitted to him one night that before he had so carelessly shown Snape to Remus's secret, that he and Remus had just started getting closer. When James had asked what he meant by closer, Sirius had told him that he had fallen in love with him and, while Remus didn't know that and Sirius had never gotten the chance to tell him, the two of them had confessed an attraction to one another and a shy desire to become more than friends. They had kissed all of three times before that fateful night where Sirius had made his most costly mistake to date.

A hundred different thoughts seemed to hit James at once all following the same paths and coming up with the same question. How could he have been so blind? It was obvious, now that he knew, that Sirius and Remus had always shared a different kind of closeness than he shared with either of them. There had never been an explanation and he had never searched for one, because nothing had ever seemed out of the ordinary. Sirius had made James swear to him that he wouldn't tell Remus he was in love with him. He had no intention of doing so, but Sirius had never asked him not to tell Remus that he knew about what they had started before everything had gone wrong.

"How…how did you know?" Remus asked, eyes wide, no longer hiding anything.

"Sirius told me," James said simply. "It was over the summer. He uh, well he was a bit intoxicated at the time and you know how that has the tendency to either make him full of crazier-than-usual energy or make him weepy. This time it was the latter and he went on and on about how horrible he is and how he doesn't deserve your forgiveness and how he had screwed up everything so badly. He does that a lot," James added, seeing Remus's expression flicker slightly with regret. "So he told me that the two of you had started to figure out you wanted to be more than friends…and that you had kissed. I was rather surprised at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to realize it really wasn't so shocking at all."

Remus said nothing for a while, contemplating James's words, both what he had said about him and Sirius and Sirius's behavior. He hadn't expected the relationship he and Sirius had started to form last year. It may not have been shocking to James, and Remus wondered why that was, but it had certainly been surprising to him. He had tried for a long time to deny his attraction to Sirius but it had continually grown stronger. The last thing he had ever expected was to be confronted by a very nervous Sirius confessing to him the same feelings Remus had been so desperate to hide. And then things had become intense so quickly and were almost overwhelming to Remus's innocent and very nervous heart. It was as if, since they already knew one another so well, they could skip getting to know each other and move straight to falling in love. Physically, they had never moved much past kissing, but even at that Remus was nervous and rather terrified about the path his heart seemed to be taking at such a rapid pace. But then…then he had woken up that terrible morning and discovered that it had been Sirius who had given away his location and consequently his condition to Severus and everything had fallen apart.

"James you said you didn't come to talk to me tonight about forgiving Sirius," he said suddenly, not wanting to dwell on the Willow at the moment. "So why did you come and find me?" His voice came out harsher than he had intended and he immediately regretted it.

James winced and looked away, feeling, not for the first time, as if he had somehow let Remus down. He hated it that Remus would think he would only want to spend time with him to achieve some sort of goal, as if his company wasn't enough. "It was very hard for me to forgive him Moony," he said softly. "I didn't take it lightly. I still hate what he did to you…all because he let his temper get the best of him."

"James, I'm sorry," Remus replied, reaching across the table that separated them, not touching his friend, but laying his hand next to his. "I didn't mean that you had some ulterior motive for wanting to be with me." James looked at him again and Remus smiled softly. "And I don't blame you for forgiving him Prongs." He stopped, his smile fading slightly. "I still don't know what would have happened had you not been there to save Severus. I…I can't thank you enough for that."

"Stop it," James chided, his lips turning up in a smile. "You've already thanked me more than is necessary. So let's move on from there, ok?" Remus nodded, his expression softening. "However Moony, you were right on one account."

"And what's that?"

"I do have an ulterior motive for being here tonight."

"Well, I guess it makes sense," Remus said, sighing dramatically. "As much as you love me, I must admit I was still somewhat suspicious. You in a library on any night of the week would be strange enough, but on a Friday…well it's probably a first."

James laughed, wishing suddenly that his so-called ulterior motive wasn't quite what it was. Banter with Remus was always a welcome rarity and he hated to spoil the moment by bringing Sirius back into the conversation. But that was, after all, why he had sought Remus out tonight, and he was too worried about his friend to back down now.

"I came looking for you tonight because I need your help. I wouldn't ask you but…I'm really starting to get worried and…" He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair, wishing this were easier. "It's about Sirius." Remus said nothing, only raised an eyebrow in surprise and waited for him to go on. "I know he didn't tell you what happened this summer. I don't think anyone knows except me, Pete and Lily…and well, Regulus."

That was the last name Remus had been expecting to hear. "Since when does Sirius tell his brother anything of importance?" he asked, frowning.

"It's nothing he told him, it's what happened. Remus, he left home this summer…almost as soon as he got back from Hogwarts. It wasn't a week we were home before he showed up at my doorstep asking if it would be possible for him to stay. And he's not going back. He made that very clear."

"He always said he was planning on leaving as soon as he could. I never really expected him to do it while we were still in school though," he said softly. He found himself wondering if Sirius was really ok with leaving his family behind forever. James answered his unasked question quite clearly.

"I know it was the right thing for him to do. You know as well as I how miserable he is at home, and how terribly his family treats him. But, well, something's not quite right Moony. Something besides the fact that he's still beating himself up over what he did to you. He's become more withdrawn and sullen. He's in pain but if I try and ask him he either brushes me off or he loses his temper. It wasn't quite so bad over the summer, but since we've been back, it's been worse. I'm just…I'm worried about him, and well…" He paused, knowing his request wouldn't be easy. He only hoped Remus still cared enough about Sirius to worry about him. "_You _were always best at getting him to open up, and I was just hoping that maybe…that you could…"

"You want me to talk to him," Remus finished for him, rather surprised that he didn't immediately think to say no.

James nodded, his eyes taking on a look of desperation. "I know how hard that would be for you Moony, truly I do. But I…I really am worried. You know I wouldn't ask you if it weren't something important. He's suffering, and I know it has something to do with his family and the fact that they've pretty much disowned him, but he just won't open up. I don't want this to eat away at him…and you know that he'll let it before he asks for anyone's help. And well, maybe…maybe if you talk to him, the two of you can work things out or something," he mumbled, quickly avoiding his friend's eyes. "You did say that's what you want," he added meekly.

Remus nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Yes, I did," he said softly. "James, you…you really miss the four of us always being together, don't you?" he asked, watching him carefully. James didn't answer right away but when he looked up he nodded. "So do I," Remus assured him. Sighing, he turned to look out at the darkening sky for a few minutes, contemplating his reply. He had to admit that he missed Sirius. And if James was this worried about him, well, then Remus couldn't help but feel that something was definitely wrong. "Full moon is this Wednesday," he said finally, looking into his friend's eyes. "I'll talk to him after that. I promise."

James smiled, his entire face lighting up with gratitude and relief. "Thanks Moony. Thanks so much," he exclaimed, reaching across the table and squeezing Remus's hand. He would have hugged him had they not been sitting down. He just _knew_ that if the two of them talked, Remus would, number one be able to help Sirius through whatever it was that was tearing him up, and also they'd patch things up between them. They had to. James knew, without a doubt, how much they both still cared about one another, and Remus was far too kind to hold a grudge forever.

"Well, Prongs it seems you got what you came for," Remus said as he reached out and took his book back from his friend. "So you can escape now…I'm pretty sure no one saw you. God knows what would have happened if it had got out that you, James Potter, had been in the _library_ on a Friday night!"

But rather than laugh and then bid Remus good night, James shook his head and pulled his friend to his feet. "You're right about one thing Moony. I can escape now, but you're coming with me."

"I am?" Remus asked, rather amused, but also feeling strangely grateful.

James nodded and grinned; giving Remus a look he knew could only mean trouble. "I simply can not allow you to stay in here a minute longer reading Russian literature when there's plenty of more exciting things you and I could be doing elsewhere."

"Exactly what does 'more exciting things' entail?" he asked suspiciously, though he wouldn't refuse James now even if he said they were going to sneak into Slytherin's common room and jinx everyone in sight. James had that certain ability to make even the stupidest ideas seem carefree and fun. Remus knew he'd look back tomorrow and wonder how they hadn't been caught…because for all the times the four of them _had_ been caught, there were hundreds of more things that had gone unnoticed or at least ignored. But he'd missed all of this too much to refuse.

"You'll just have to wait and see!" he said devilishly, laughing and pulling Remus behind him and out of the library, giving him no choice but to follow and laugh along with him.

Remus sat by himself in the dormitory, contemplating, one last time if this was the right thing to do. It really wasn't that hard of a choice. He was lonely and he was very tired of suffering alone. But by asking them to be with him again for full moon would really be taking the first step to forgiving Sirius and putting last year behind them. He knew that was what he wanted and needed, but a small part of him was still cautioning him not to let it go.

"Hey Moony," James called, smiling up at him as he came into the common room. He noticed right away that Remus looked somewhat anxious, but then he remembered it was full moon. He wished that they could all be with him again, but no one could make that decision but Remus.

"Uh, guys, there was something I wanted to talk to you about," he said nervously, coming closer to where James, Peter and Sirius all sat, attempting to study. James and Peter waited expectantly, and Sirius only let his eyes dart up once to look at his friend, knowing that whatever Remus had to say it wasn't meant to include him. "I've decided that I…I want you all to come with me tonight," he murmured. James's eyes quickly lit up and Peter smiled and nodded. Remus let his eyes drift to Sirius, who was trying his best to appear as if he were studying and dutifully avoiding contact with Remus, when in fact he was seconds away from crying. The idea of not being with Remus during full moon, while James and Peter were was horribly upsetting. "Sirius? What about you?" he asked softly, ignoring James and Peter's obvious surprise and his own rapidly beating heart.

Sirius looked up quickly, his eyes locking on Remus's, unable to believe what he was hearing. "Me?" he whispered, his chest suddenly tight, his heart aching. "You want me to come too?" he asked, the surprise in his voice obvious, the hope a desperate undercurrent. Remus could only nod, his throat suddenly too tight to speak. It was painfully obvious to him at that moment that he had let Sirius suffer enough. There was nothing but sorrow in his eyes, sorrow and a regret so profound it seemed to emanate from him.

"Well of course Padfoot," James said, breaking the silence, sensing that neither of his friends were very able to form coherent sentences right now. "He can't run around with just Prongs and Wormtail," he added, as if it were the simplest thing in the world to understand. And in all actuality it was simple. Moony needed all three of them, if one of them were missing; it just wouldn't be the same. That was exactly why Remus hadn't allowed James and Peter to be with him during full moons last year, because without Sirius it wouldn't seem right. James smiled inwardly to himself, believing even more strongly now that Remus and Sirius would be able to work things out. The return to their nighttime romping in the forest had to be the beginning they needed.

When Remus woke up the next day, he didn't hurt any less than usual, but for the first time after a transformation in months he wasn't feeling isolated and depressed. It took him a few moments to remember why but when he did, he smiled, knowing he had made the right decision. The wolf had been thrilled to have its pack mates back…especially Padfoot. So it wasn't all that surprising when he turned his head and found Sirius sitting in a chair at his bedside watching him.

He sat up straight and looked away from Remus's eyes guiltily. Despite what Remus had allowed the night before, Sirius still felt guilty and so terribly sorry for what he had done. He knew that Remus still hadn't forgiven him, even if things had started to improve. Berating himself had become a daily ritual. How he had ever been stupid and careless enough to give away Remus's secret, to Snape of all people, was beyond him. It still baffled his mind to think that he could have actually done what he had. Especially to Remus. Especially since he had, not too long before that realized he was in love with his friend. And after the tentative new relationship they had begun to explore… He had ruined any and all of his chances, of that he had no doubt.

"I just wanted to make sure you were ok," he said softly, eyes downcast, voice not much more than a mumble. "I'll go now."

"Wait," Remus said quickly, his hand shooting out to grab his friend's knee before he could stand up. "Don't go," he whispered, looking up to meet a very surprised pair of eyes. "I…I won't be very good company. I'm exhausted. But I'd…I'd like it if you stayed," he murmured, unable to help a small smile. In the past, Sirius had always been the one to check on him the morning after full moon and make sure he was ok. And he had, whenever possible, always stayed by his side for as long as he was allowed. That was another thing Remus had missed terribly while they hadn't been speaking.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked, eyes wide with surprise…and once again, that desperate hope. Remus nodded and yawned, wincing slightly as he turned onto his side. "Are you ok Moony? Do you need anything?" he asked softly, noticing his friend's pain.

Remus shook his head lightly and closed his eyes. "Just stay with me," he whispered as he drifted back to sleep, missing Sirius's tearful nod and his grateful smile.

"Has anyone seen Sirius?" James asked as he and Lily came into the common room, hand in hand. Remus looked up from his Transfiguration homework and shook his head, frowning because he noticed a slight look of worry in James's eyes. It had been four days since full moon, and while Remus and Sirius had yet to really talk very much, neither of them went out of their way to avoid one another anymore.

"I haven't seen him since after dinner," Peter said, sounding unusually anxious.

"Something wrong Pete?" James asked, noticing his friend's distress. "I thought you left dinner with Sirius."

"I did," he said tentatively. "When we were walking back here we ran into…Snape and Lucius and Sirius's brother. Sirius said a few choice words to them and well, it would have turned into quite the incident but Regulus stopped them."

"Regulus?" James asked incredulously. "Why?"

Peter shrugged. "Told Sirius he wanted to talk to him alone. Snape and Lucius sneered at him and left and I came back here," he said simply, as if there was nothing odd about Regulus suddenly wanting to talk to Sirius when he usually spent so much effort trying to avoid him.

James glanced pointedly at Remus, who was nervously chewing his lower lip. "Do you think anything happened?" he asked, frowning.

Remus shook his head. "No, Sirius can handle his brother. But…well maybe whatever they talked about, maybe it had something to do with Sirius's leaving home and…you said you think that's what's been bothering him," he said, lowering his voice. "Maybe he just wanted to be alone so he didn't come back here right away."

"Dinner was three hours ago Moony," James replied. "Something must be wrong."

"Why don't you just go look for him?" Lily suggested, having been half-listening to their conversation.

"And where do you propose we start Lil?" James asked rolling his eyes and smiling at her.

She smirked at him and hit him playfully on the arm. "You really are an idiot, aren't you? Just look for him on that map of yours!" Smiling, she kissed him quickly on the cheek before bounding out of the room to the girl's dormitory.

Remus and Peter couldn't help laughing to which James turned to look at them, red faced now, and scowled. Peter, still laughing, quickly left and retrieved the map. It didn't take long to find the name of Sirius Black, staying very still on top of the Astronomy tower. "Of course," James murmured. "He spent a ton of time there last year after…" he trailed off, glancing at Remus.

"Something must have happened to upset him," Remus said softly, glancing down at the map again, his eyes settling on Sirius's name. "I…I'll go and talk to him. See what's wrong," he said, looking up at James again.

"Thanks Remus," James said, suddenly feeling much better about the situation that had been worrying him since they had started school this year. Despite everything that had happened between Remus and Sirius, James knew that it was still Remus who was best at getting their friend to open up. Remus had the unique ability at reaching him, especially when no one else could. And knowing Sirius, that was no easy feat. It was his nature to build up walls as fast as he could when something was upsetting him. But sometimes he got trapped behind them and the problems just ate away at him until it became unhealthy. "Here, take this," he said, handing him the map. "And wait! I'll get you the invisibility cloak."

"Sirius? Are you out here?" Remus called softly, slipping off James's cloak and shutting the door to the tower behind him.

"Moony? What are you doing here?"

Remus spun around at the sound of his friend's voice and found him on the edge of the tower, back towards him. "What are you doing?" he asked, his voice suddenly colored with fear.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know…thinking of jumping maybe," he said casually, not meaning it.

"Sirius, get down now," Remus said sharply, stepping closer to his friend. His voice sounded slightly panicked and when Sirius turned around to look at him, he was surprised to see him looking so wide-eyed and frightened.

He stepped down from the edge and turned to face Remus again. "I wasn't _really_ going to jump Moony," he said softly, forcing a smile. Remus nodded, though he didn't smile. He hadn't really believed Sirius was going to jump, but the thought had been enough to terrify him.

The two of them sat down next to each other on the floor, their backs against the stonewall. "How did you find me?" Sirius asked softly after several minutes.

"The map," Remus replied, still rather shaken by his thoughts.

Sirius looked closely at him, noticing the worry and fear in his eyes. Eyes that were normally so guarded. Tentatively, before he could even think to stop himself, he reached out and laid his hand on Remus's shoulder. "Moony, look at me," he requested softly, waiting patiently for Remus to turn his head. His heart ached painfully in his chest when he did. Eyes that for months now had barely looked at him were now wide with fright. "I'm sorry I scared you," he whispered. "I meant it though…I wasn't really going to jump. I was just kidding. I'm just…well, I'm just not myself lately. I sorta hit a low point earlier tonight," he explained, eyes flickering with sadness.

Remus couldn't seem to form any words but he nodded solemnly, his heartbeat finally returning to a normal pace. The thought of Sirius jumping…of Sirius _dying_…he really couldn't think of anything worse. "Did something happen with your brother?" He asked softly. The two of them faced each other now, still sitting very close, almost touching.

Sirius looked at him in surprise and cocked his head to the side. "How did you know I was with Regulus?"

"We were all wondering where you were and Pete told us you guys had run into your brother and Severus and Lucius." He paused. "We were worried."

"I'm fine," Sirius said quickly, a little harsher than he had intended. "Nothing happened, he was just being his usual idiot self, letting me know that he wanted nothing to do with me."

Remus could tell, though he sounded almost completely nonchalant, that he was more upset than he was letting on. It was all in his overly expressive eyes. While Remus was almost always able to hide what he was really feeling, Sirius never could. His eyes always gave him away, whether with sorrow or joy; there was no escaping it. But Remus decided to try another angle, knowing that if he pressed him for more on the conversation with Regulus he'd only close up further. Sirius always built up several walls when he was upset, that was true, but Remus almost always managed to find a way past them. "Sirius…James told me that you left home this summer," he stated in a soft voice.

Sirius said nothing for a while, turning away from his friend and looking up at the star-filled sky. He hadn't told Remus about his leaving home for the precise reason that he knew his friend would want to talk about it. Actually, he hadn't told him because he had still been under the impression, up until very recently, that he and Remus were not speaking. But the thought had crossed his mind that, had they been speaking, he wouldn't want him to know right away. He knew exactly why James had taken the liberty of telling him. It was obvious that his best friend was worried about him…and Sirius couldn't deny that he'd given him just cause to worry. He hadn't been himself for quite a while…ever since the Willow; things had started to deteriorate quickly for him. Leaving home had only added to his misery, though he didn't regret the decision one bit.

"I had to," Sirius said, running a hand through his hair and turning to face his friend once again. "There was no way around it. They were suffocating me. Always berating me, criticizing me…nonstop talk about how I am a Black and do I know what that means? Blood is the only thing that matters…_pure_ blood. I needed to stop associating myself with, well people like you, Peter and James. Never mind that all three of you are purebloods anyway. You're still not good enough. Regulus, petty little bastard that he is, always makes sure to tattle plenty on his older brother and my activities."

He stopped, sighing softly and looking away from Remus once more. He was so tired of thinking about his family, of leaving home, all of it. Above all, he wished that he hadn't messed things up with Remus so badly. As it was, Remus was more of a comfort to him than he knew, just listening, though Sirius couldn't remember really wanting to talk in the first place. Remus had a tricky way of getting people to pour their hearts out like that. But had Sirius not ruined what they'd started last year with his betrayal, they may have been so much closer now. In fact, Sirius knew they would have been, because besides his own feelings, he had been very conscious of Remus's feelings for him. His friend had been so anxious, a bundle of nerves; Sirius had been perfectly aware of the fact that he had quite the ability to unnerve him. He had been able to disrupt Remus's normally very calm demeanor and very controlled sense of himself. Flustered described it best…a mix of innocence, naivety and a certain desperate desire to fall in love. And Sirius had promised himself that he'd be so careful with his friend's heart, that he'd never give him cause for regret or pain. But he had, and he hated that more than anything else he'd ever done.

"I always knew I was going to leave home. Leave them all behind. There was never any question," he went on after several moments, his eyes still looking up at the sky. He felt his heart aching strangely, and he leaned closer to Remus unconsciously, seeking comfort. "I just can't be who they want me to be. I can't turn my back on someone just because of who their parents and grandparents may or may not be. I never understood the concept, and I still don't." He stopped for a moment, his voice faltering only slightly. He felt Remus move slightly closer so they were side by side, arms and legs touching. "They didn't put up a fight, didn't yell or scream," he continued softly. "My father just told me, very calmly, that if I left I would not, under any circumstances, be allowed to come back. If I left I would be disowned and I forfeited all claims to my inheritance and everything that went along with it. So I…I nodded my head and shook his hand, waved to my mother and brother and left. Just like that. There was no other choice I could make. I don't want to be a Black. I want _nothing_ to do with being a Black." He paused again and swallowed hard over the sudden lump that had formed in his throat. It was such a comfort to him to have Remus listen to him quietly. He hadn't quite realized how badly he'd needed to talk about what had happened.

"I really hadn't expected them to beg me to stay or anything," he went on softly, desperate to keep his voice steady. Remus could sense his need for comfort and let him move closer. He hated seeing Sirius so obviously upset, yet he knew what he needed most right now was to let it all out. "But they…they didn't say a word. They just let me leave, knowing I'd never come back. I…it's not like we were ever close, in fact we pretty much couldn't stand one another at all. But…I had always hoped, always thought that maybe, maybe a part of them cared about me…I am their son after all." He shook his head and shut his eyes, tears threatening to fall. He didn't want to cry, not over his family. "But they didn't care. They _don't_ care. They just let me leave!" His voice broke and he dropped his head into his hands, turning his body away from Remus, instinctively trying to hide his tears.

Remus understood his need to hide the fact that he was crying. It had probably been ingrained into him from a very early age that showing emotion was weak, and not something a Black, of all people, would do. But Sirius had always been, for as long as he'd known him, an overly emotional person. It was almost impossible for him to keep his emotions tightly wrapped inside of himself. That was why, when he tried, like now, it all ended up coming out at once. Gently, Remus laid his hand on his friend's shoulder and very tentatively moved closer so his chest was pressed against Sirius's back. He felt the overwhelming need to run his other hand over his hair and neck, to pull him into his arms, but he bit his bottom lip and resisted the urge. His heart ached at the sound of Sirius's lonely, painful sobs, and knew now, without a doubt, that he had forgiven him for the Willow.

"In the end," Sirius went on, after several minutes, his tears under control for the moment, his voice scratchy. "It's not so much the fact that my parents didn't care or didn't try to stop me. But my brother…a part of me had thought that he might object. That he might ask me not to leave or something. Not that I would have stayed, I just… We were very close once Remus," he said softly, taking another deep breath as soon as he felt his throat threaten to close up again. "When we were younger, he…he looked up to me. And I tried to help him see that it was very important that he be able to think for himself. But by the time he was ten, mother already had him spouting things off about how imperative it was to only associate with people of the same class as he was. I think she tried extra hard to make him see that because she had obviously failed with me. I knew, when he came to Hogwarts, that he'd be placed in Slytherin. I never doubted that. But I thought that maybe, somehow, he wouldn't quite turn into one of them. That he'd be able to think for himself, that he'd remember the things I'd tried to tell him," he said, shaking his head. "But he didn't. He became everything my parents had always wanted me to be."

"Maybe I should have tried harder," he went on, his voice becoming very soft so that Remus had to lean closer to hear him. Sirius took an unconscious comfort in his touch, leaning back against him. "He was…he was very kind when we were little. I can remember being at some relative's house, and I couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I came across him and about three other kids around his age out in the yard. He was probably eight or so at the time. I could hear him yelling at them, and when I came close enough I could see why. The other three children, some horrible little cousins of mine, had somehow or another gotten hold of a wand and were attempting to hex and jinx a little kitten. Regulus was…trying to get them to stop it, but they kept holding him back. So I bullied them all away and he instantly grabbed the kitten and looked up at me and smiled."

Remus swallowed hard, the pain in Sirius's voice breaking his heart. Abruptly, Sirius turned around to face him again, his eyes full of tears. "I can't help thinking that if it were now, if I came across that same bunch of them, that…that he'd be the one trying to torture the cat." Remus watched, feeling utterly helpless as Sirius's bottom lip trembled and the tears in his eyes began to spill over. Sirius didn't resist when Remus finally gave in and pulled him close, slipping an arm around his back and letting the other stroke his hair. He let him cry, though it hurt to hear him in such pain; but he knew that this was, ultimately, what had been eating away at him, and he needed to let it go.

Sirius clung to him, burying his face and his tears against Remus's neck, wishing his heart would stop hurting as much as it was. "My…my worst fear is that I'll turn out the same way…eventually I mean," he sobbed, his breath hot against Remus's neck.

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked, pulling back just enough to look into his eyes.

"He was so sweet as a child…and look at him now. Maybe it'll just take longer for me to become the same. I _am_ a Black after all, no matter how much I'd like not to be. The same blood runs in my veins Moony," he said bitterly, wiping quickly at his eyes.

Remus shook his head and cupped his face in his hands. "You're nothing like them," he said firmly. "You won't turn out the same. I know you."

"How can you say that?" he asked, pushing Remus's hands away and grabbing both of his shoulders. "You of all people…after what I did to you! Doesn't that prove it? Doesn't that show just what kind of person I really am!" he yelled, his voice breaking. "I'm just the same. I'm just as horrible, just as cruel…everything my parents ever wanted me to be."

"No you're not," Remus said determinedly, taking his hands into his own and looking into his eyes. "Look at what you've told me. Look at how upset you are because of your brother. The fact that you care so much shows exactly how unlike them you are."

"But Remus--"

"No, Sirius listen to me," he said quickly. "I know that you never meant to intentionally hurt me by telling Severus how to get past the Willow. I know that you lost your temper and that you were careless and stupid…but I also know that you instantly regretted it."

"I'm so sorry Remus," he choked, his voice trembling, his fingers grasping tightly to Remus's hands.

"I know," he replied. "I think I've always known you were sorry. I just…well I didn't want to listen to you for quite a long time. But I miss you Sirius," he murmured, eyes softening. "I don't want to keep ignoring you or avoiding you. I…I forgive you," he whispered, a small smile passing over his lips.

Sirius had no words. He couldn't do much more than stare. Even breathing seemed to have become an effort. He had wanted it for so long, had hoped and wished that someday Remus might find forgiveness, but he hadn't counted on it. He still didn't think he deserved it. "Why?" he finally managed to whisper, his heart hurting so badly it was literally making it hard to breathe. His worst fear, now, was that Remus would snatch back the words before he'd even really had the chance to believe in them.

But to his surprise, Remus only blushed and lowered his eyes, shaking his head slightly. When he looked back up, moments later, his eyes were bright with a very beautiful warmth. "Can't you guess?" he murmured shyly. Sirius shook his head, eyes locked on Remus, not daring in the least to hope for what truer meaning lay behind those words. Sighing, Remus leaned closer and let his trembling fingers brush over Sirius's cheek and through his hair. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, surprised that he wasn't more nervous. He hadn't expected for these feelings and thoughts to form so solidly in his head tonight. He hadn't come looking for Sirius with the direct thought of telling him how he felt. Feelings, he himself was just learning to put a name to. Sure, they had been in his heart for quite a while now, but he'd buried them deep after his friend's betrayal, and he hadn't dared to examine them much again until very recently.

"I miss you," he repeated, licking his lips, eyes darting around nervously but always settling back into Sirius's bewildered gaze. "And I think I…I think I'm very much in love with you."

Sirius knew he must look like a fool, eyes wide, mouth open, but utter and total shock was the only emotion he could register. How was this possible? Just last week Remus had still been avoiding him. They hadn't really talked to one another in months. And up until the full moon, Sirius had been sure that Remus would never really want anything to do with him again even as just a friend. Slowly, Sirius became aware of the fact that Remus's hand was still on his neck and that they were very close. Remus smiled shyly, his heart fluttering in his chest, very unsure of his next move yet aching to do it all the same. And when he kissed him, it was surprising to both of them, yet instantly comforting and so very, very right. Sirius felt like he might cry. His body was racked with chills as he gently returned the kiss and reached his tentative hands up to latch onto Remus's arms.

When they broke apart, they were both flushed, though more from surprise than anything else. Sirius continued to stare into his eyes, still in awe of what had just happened, still surprised. How had his night turned around so drastically in just a few minutes? After several more moments, Remus began to fidget under Sirius's unrelenting gaze. He smiled and lowered his eyes only to look back up with a sort of pleading expression on his face. "Say something Siri…please," he murmured.

"How is it that you get to say it first?" Sirius blurted out, mind not quite fast enough to catch up with his voice.

"What?"

Sirius shook his head, mentally berating himself for saying something so stupid…now of all times. "I love you too Remus," he said softly, taking his friend's hands into his own and looking into his eyes. "I've been in love with you for so long. I never told you before because I didn't want to scare you away by moving too fast. And then…well, everything went to hell, and I never thought I'd get this chance Moony." He paused for a moment and slid closer, slipping one arm around Remus's waist, letting his fingertips slip over his cheek and hair. "I thought I'd ruined all this," he whispered, leaning his forehead against Remus's.

Remus sighed and tenderly returned his embrace. "I thought you had too." He shut his eyes and pulled Sirius closer, resting his head on his shoulder. They stayed that way for quite a while, wrapped in each other's arms, oblivious to the chill in the nighttime air, or how late it had become. Oblivious to everything except each other.

"Is this why you came here tonight?" Sirius finally asked, not moving from the comfort of Remus's arms.

"No," he replied. "I came looking for you because we were worried when you didn't come back after dinner. And then Pete told us what had happened and how you had gone off with Regulus. Plus, James…well, he told me last week about your moving out this summer and he knew something was wrong…"

"So he wanted you to talk to me and find out what it was," Sirius finished for him, a smile on his face. "And I'm sure he was also hoping that we'd be able to work things out. Am I right?"

Remus laughed softly and pulled back to look into his eyes. "Exactly." He looked away for a moment and then back into Sirius's eyes, his smile fading slightly. "I also came looking for you because I…well, I realized I had forgiven you the other night when I asked you to be with me during full moon again. I saw how surprised you were when I said your name and…I didn't want you to suffer anymore. But, I hadn't planned on…well on all this," he murmured, blushing slightly, his smile returning. Sirius smiled back, loving his shyness. "Not that I haven't thought about it. I've done that a lot. I guess I was waiting though because…Sirius, I still don't trust you completely. Not anymore," he said softly, expression growing serious once again. "But I do love you, and I've missed you so much. I've missed _this_."

Once more, he leaned closer and kissed Sirius again, sighing softly as he felt his friend's arms enclose him. "I love you too," Sirius murmured against his lips, reaching for the invisibility cloak that lay nearby and pulling it over both of them. "And I'll earn back your trust Remus. I promise."

_Song used: "Strong Enough to Break" by Hanson_


End file.
